A heartbreak

Becoming single again after spending 15 years with my first and last boyfriend since twenties. He left me without a face to face conversation except I noticed that he began to drift apart more and more in the last few months. It was a dramatic breakup.

I still recall how the conversation went when he revealed the truth that he found someone else. I was in a state of shock. I rememembered I was getting myself off to a little excursion to the park, for a long day stroll when intuitively, I sensed something was not right. The usual dinner dates are off. He worked late nights more. And he began to remark my lack of makeup and frequently wearing the same kind of clothes.

I can sense the cold shoulders but decided to get on with my usual routine. Until the day when I am supposed to start my new job, a week before, I received the cruel word from him. I was appalled & shattered in tears. I was full of anger and bitterness. He left without an apology. He left with meeting me up for a last explanation. Who was she? 15 years made up almost a quarter of decade, we are so close to getting a house together. His sister called to threaten me to leave his rental place when I have been putting up in the last 9 months. She gave me 6 weeks to pack and relocate to another place.

Six weeks was a record short week for someone grieving over the loss, getting over the rude shock of being betrayed and then having to pick up the pieces and packed my things into boxes and calling for search of another rental place. I sank to a depression and was in bed for 3 days. All I can recall was that I have spiralled off to a depression and later even contemplated suicidal thoughts. I called to the new workplace to delay my start at work by a week, went to a doctor who by chance, she was a saviour. I spent 2 days at the clinic, crying my heart out.

I pushed myself out to get myself out of his place, and same time, devastated at the sudden change of attitude towards me from him and his sister. His sister threatened to throw out my things if I did not respond within the 6 weeks and I hear myself begging for time. Leaving at the mercy of someone you  know for 15 years? Strangers are better treating you more humanely that someone close like this.

So I did. That explained my lack of blogging for the few months. I sent off my things to the warehouse, donated my stuff to the Salvation army, and went searching for a place.

I was in depression for a couple of months and well the new job for a start is a bumpy ride. Demand was high and I feel life all snuffed out of me. Strangers were movers who helped me, agents that came to assist me for a house search, a doctor who was compassionate to spend some of her clinical time talking to me, we spent most time at dinners that she brought. Strangers were fellow church brothers and sisters that reached out for some prayers and support. Most time, I reached out as far as I could for God.

Jesus is with me. When I was so tired at the end of the day and asked for God that I will like to go to heaven, He whispered John 11:25 .

I won't want to die, I will want to live.