A friend of mine sent this message to my phone :
"Be like Mary, sit at the feet of Jesus".
My dad is recuperating at home after the major surgery of his bile duct.
He is preparing to go for chemotherapy treatments in the next six months.
During this time of storm for my family, when our faith is tried again and we are thrown into a state of doubt and fear and as I struggled to make sense of His direction for me, I was reminded to be still. I must say this is the most difficult scripture to follow at this moment.
My mind cannot be still. My body is struggling of fatigue. There are a thousand and one things racing through my mind. Work, future, caregiving, dreams, goals, plans. I couldnt bridge them all together now. Its like a complete jigsaw puzzle jumbled up for you to reassemble again. I have ran out of strength. On sunday, I felt I have come to the end of myself. I was totally discouraged. I was not motivated to do anything and yes I was and am depressed.
Lots of what if came into my mind. What if I can't make it. Trust Jesus to save. What if its not the outcome we wanted. Trust Jesus to provide. Most and every turn is a negative answer or a negative outcome - "well, someone so and so close by pass away." " My father in law just passed away three months ago from lymphoma., My grandma passed away from cancer, too old for operations." I stopped talking, I stopped seeking people.
For few days, as I slept through of fatigue, nothing but picking myself up for a meal a day. I thought of Jesus.
I thought of His grace. His being. His purpose.
Every call to my dad, I called up with a sentence of Hallelujah, that is his favorite word now. Thats is our secret message code now. It is also a means to encourage him. He say Jesus will save Him. My dad has so much faith despite only receiving his salvation a week ago. But I am crumbling under the pain of watching him endured surgeries, endured chemotherapy. He had to comfort me instead. He was able to walk around feebly to take care of his own meals. He has learned to cook some health meals now.
Awhile ago, he updated that he brought a shoulder bag so that he can carry his medical documents to and fro from the National cancer center.
I blinked tears each time I called. So close that I can hear his tired breathing, so closed that I can hear his heart beat. Yet I am not strong enough to face him too often, because looking at him just break my heart to bits.
We pray God for preservation of his life. For his angels surrounding us during this healing process.
We pray for providence, peace and calmness during this period of the time.
We pray for strength, help and his miracles everyday and grace abounds and blessing for the family.
We are secure in Christ Jesus. And we will keep on keeping on.
