Silence this Christmas

Silence this Christmas.

It seems odd to write about silence this Christmas. But at the most times of this year, I faced lot of hang-ups and grief that left me in silence and weariness. One of it is that I had a soulmate that I am hopeful to reconcile after ten years of relationship and friendship revealing the truth of his moment while I was tracking down nature in the wild one day - that he has in fact got someone else by his side already.

I was renting at his place and did not have much money to move either to elsewhere or enough to get myself a home at the moment. And days before he told me, I was about to start a new job after days of unemployment. So I was left high and hanging and having to cope with facing a brand new day at work with an expression of positivity masked up while underneath I was actually crumbling inside. Soul searching during days of not working was tough, now soul searching for acceptance about an unexpected betrayal was even more tougher. I began to realize the coldness in the messages from him as I scrolled through his responses from the past months in my phone. Why did I not realize it earlier? I was living in darkness all along. I do not know what to expect in the future and was stunned in that bleak of the moment, thrown into despair and sadness.

That night, I grabbed D.L Moody’s book, an old book that has turned yellowish over the years and stared over the pages randomly flipped. My mind was point blank as I wept uncontrollably. Earlier on in this relationship with my first boyfriend, we did have our fair share of disagreement and a major breakup. And I did foght hard to salvage the shattered relationship for a year. This time round, however, somewhere deep inside my sentiments while grieving, I sense that I had to get past this and be strong to let this go. And I am sure all of you will do likewise to persuade me. I stared at D.L moody’s rhetoric writing that night and “Have faith in God” kept springing up and out from the book. In repetition, the words seem to roll in my mind over and over again. Have faith in God..have faith in god..

Three months from then, I was silent most everyday. I walked the streets quiet and muted myself up in my own sorrow. Everyday, I guess the only one I spoke to most is God. And I feel him telling me to lean on Him and be dependent on Him. I was gripping too hard on my own steering wheel in life for survival all along. I should be letting loose to let him do the stir while I let go and rest and lean on the seat of the passenger. Its still silent this Christmas. Besides some season greetings from few friends and gift exchange to brighten up the day at work, somehow or rather, I do not feel the season spirit. I saw people running around with shopping bags, hurrying to get the last minute grocery, getting some pretty party dresses for celebration. People busy hailing cab as they load the boots with presents and stuff. I hear laughter,  busy conversations, wine glasses clinking during drinks, hearty exchanges ..I feel I am staying on the sideline looking through the glass window and watching the world of celebration goes by. Nothing touches me. No more highs or low after all the tears. Just silent.

As I watched the drizzling rain of December against the window. I dream of New York, a place I long to go for a travel if I have the chance. I knew deep inside that I need to break out of this silence, somehow, one day. Have faith in God.

Yvonne Foong - Fighting NF (She needs help now)

Remember I wrote about Yvonne in The Unsung Heroine and then her appeal to raise fund for her surgery
in This Christmas - Another Voice heard.

Today I am writing to help create awareness for an urgent surgery that she need to undergo in 3rd August 2010 in which she needs funds of approximate RM 96K. And now, her funds raised thus far are just on the halfway mark. The dateline is 21 Jul 2010.

This surgery is needed to implant a cerebral shunt in her brain so to resolve the buildup of trapped fluids in her brain that causes her nausea and vision impairment.

Pls kindly visit her site for more information and donations. Thank you.

http://www.yvonnefoong.com/donate/

Let's open our heart and hands.

Choosing gummies

Father's day coming. I wondered what should I get for my dad after taking a career break for quite a while. A belt or a shirt was a norm for the past consecutive years. This year, my budget is a little tight. I was browsing at Marks & Spencer the other day and was lost in the midst of all colourful sweets, eclairs, biscuits and yes, gummies. I recalled that my dad loves gummies. Even though he is in his seventies now, he still loves them to bits. They are kids' universal favorites. And it is how my dad has aged in reverse. So I decided on the spot, to get him a bagful of fruity colorful gummies for a surprise.

It helped me to recall that one day, as I was dropping by a convenience store that opens 24 hours, I spotted a little boy choosing none other than gummies at the corner of the store. The tiny convenience store is usually patroned by regulars for beers, newspaper, cigars or a snack or drink. That night, it was already nine and as I pushed through the glass door, hastily grabbed a copy of the papers from the metal racks at the corner, I was stopped short by a little boy. My whole world came to a halt as I stood for one moment, unconsciously observing him.

He was oblivious of my presence or any one's presence including the cashier and another retail assistant getting himself busy stocking up goods on the shelf. The little boy was squatted in front of two column shelves of pigeon holes filled with gummies. Had I not chance upon him, I will not have noticed that the convenience store sells them. He had one plastic bag in his left hand, the right hand holding a tong, carefully selecting the gummies within the pigeon holes and dropping them in the plastic bag. He was so earnest and careful and intensely focused like a doctor performing his surgeries. Judging by the speed of his movement, I reckoned he was already there since half past eight. He seem to be living unto that moment of choosing the gummies. He picked up one from a box, carefully moved the tongs into the plastic bag, dropped the gummy and went on to fetch another. For one moment, I thought he was holding his breath and I found him pretty amusing. He picked up another long strip of gummy, conscientiously moved his hand up to position the end of the strip to the opening of the bag and in it went. I visually counted the bag and realised he only have five gummies in the bag so far.

How it reminded God chooses us, isn't it. Comparing choosing gummies to god choosing us, I know it is too simple a metaphor to contend with. But there we lie, just like gummies in those pigeon boxes, completely forgotten by the worldly patronage, only one notice them. And that One, is God. He handpicks us up from the diverse world, carefully making us His children and drop us into His bag of bosom. We made up all colors, each having different taste of life, living in different boxes, in a myriad society. What array and assortments of gummies. We hope to get noticed through individuality, we tasted sweetness and sour and flavor, we stretched and got bruised and shrunk back to our normal selves. We got eaten up by standards of other people, we got chewed and mourned in pain by life's adversities. God chooses us and pick us up one by one and drop us into His bag of salvation. Carefully. So intently. Not everyone has the privilege. And yes, we ended up in His stomach of goodness. We ended up through a small and narrow path like the path into the bag. I chuckled at my crazy idea of comparing gummies and God.

And I sure am going to spend some time chewing the gummies with my Dad. Because it'll remind me the presence of my Abba Father. He chooses me from those boxes, and dropped me into His bag of eternity.

Sweet love

I was half dozing off in a jammed pack train when a little boy came along with his elder sister on board the train.

The man sitting next to me, promptly and generously gave up his seat to the boy. I woke up from my noonday nap at the look of the little boy who is simply adorable. He is cheery, with curly black hair and a simply awesome grin.

He slided to the seat next to me comfortably and moments later look up at the man at the hint of his sister and yelled a big "Thank you". The man can't help but chuckled at the outburst and so do I.

Then the little boy turned to me and smile sweetly, "ExCUse me, where will you be alighting?", he asked and gave me a big toothpaste smile. The words fell on me like February sun on ice. Boy, I melted.

Such a friendly little boy. I feel like giving him a cuddle and his curly hair a crunch because he deserve all the praise and attention. "Well, I am alighting at City Hall", I whispered. Man, I feel on top of the world from a boy I will adore.

"Because I hope my sister can have a seat too" . Period. Wholesome honesty with big smiley.

I was caught dumbstruck.

I have kind of misunderstood his question initially, thinking he was a curious cat. Yet amused by his eager sincerity for his sister to have a seat. Direct, matter-of-fact, with so much sweetness and cuteness. He is bursting with loving kindness.

Meanwhile. the sister was wagging her finger at him.

Before I could react to give up my seat, he crawled out of his seat, went over and pulled her sister towards his seat and like a little gentleman, beaconed her to sit down while he climbed upon her laps. Just next to me, I can hear their conversation as he sped off making up and narrating a story to his sister, making it sound rhythmatic with tonely voice so that it is interesting.

"So Sister, hOw's my STORy? " The same cute gerbil grin, after his storytelling ended. Looking so proud after he made up a hippopotamus story who died on a mission to outer space. He then begin negotiating for one story in return from his sister. "Sure I can, but you got to .." the sister responded, trying to take the chance to teach him something else compassionately. Very quietly he sat, barely five or six years his age, all attentive, posture upright, his eyes are fixed on her. Nodding his little head as if to take in every word from his sister, he looks on respectfully.

Boy, what love between a brother and sister! A perfect harmony.

Colossians 3:12-14 ¹²Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

A year has come to pass!

Yes. I revisited this site today and took a glance at the blog published below and Holy, almost a year since I have blogged! All kinds of emotions creeped in - nostalgia, guilt, little lost and dumbstuck (because I don't know where to start off after a year).

While others ferociously plugged away with wonderful stories on their personal blogs, I have to get into a commitment to start somewhere.

I recalled Jose Ortega Y Gasset's quote :

" We cannot put off living until we are ready. The most salient characteristic of life is its coerciveness: it is always urgent, "here and now" wihtout any possible postponement. Life is fired at us point blank." This moment is all we ever have, to do with as we will.

Somehow, the quote reminds me, we have to commit ourselves to live passionately in the present in the new year. Just like writing, its about commitment besides passion. No yeahbuts.

3 Philippians 13
But one thing I do : Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead