Silence this Christmas

Silence this Christmas.

It seems odd to write about silence this Christmas. But at the most times of this year, I faced lot of hang-ups and grief that left me in silence and weariness. One of it is that I had a soulmate that I am hopeful to reconcile after ten years of relationship and friendship revealing the truth of his moment while I was tracking down nature in the wild one day - that he has in fact got someone else by his side already.

I was renting at his place and did not have much money to move either to elsewhere or enough to get myself a home at the moment. And days before he told me, I was about to start a new job after days of unemployment. So I was left high and hanging and having to cope with facing a brand new day at work with an expression of positivity masked up while underneath I was actually crumbling inside. Soul searching during days of not working was tough, now soul searching for acceptance about an unexpected betrayal was even more tougher. I began to realize the coldness in the messages from him as I scrolled through his responses from the past months in my phone. Why did I not realize it earlier? I was living in darkness all along. I do not know what to expect in the future and was stunned in that bleak of the moment, thrown into despair and sadness.

That night, I grabbed D.L Moody’s book, an old book that has turned yellowish over the years and stared over the pages randomly flipped. My mind was point blank as I wept uncontrollably. Earlier on in this relationship with my first boyfriend, we did have our fair share of disagreement and a major breakup. And I did foght hard to salvage the shattered relationship for a year. This time round, however, somewhere deep inside my sentiments while grieving, I sense that I had to get past this and be strong to let this go. And I am sure all of you will do likewise to persuade me. I stared at D.L moody’s rhetoric writing that night and “Have faith in God” kept springing up and out from the book. In repetition, the words seem to roll in my mind over and over again. Have faith in God..have faith in god..

Three months from then, I was silent most everyday. I walked the streets quiet and muted myself up in my own sorrow. Everyday, I guess the only one I spoke to most is God. And I feel him telling me to lean on Him and be dependent on Him. I was gripping too hard on my own steering wheel in life for survival all along. I should be letting loose to let him do the stir while I let go and rest and lean on the seat of the passenger. Its still silent this Christmas. Besides some season greetings from few friends and gift exchange to brighten up the day at work, somehow or rather, I do not feel the season spirit. I saw people running around with shopping bags, hurrying to get the last minute grocery, getting some pretty party dresses for celebration. People busy hailing cab as they load the boots with presents and stuff. I hear laughter,  busy conversations, wine glasses clinking during drinks, hearty exchanges ..I feel I am staying on the sideline looking through the glass window and watching the world of celebration goes by. Nothing touches me. No more highs or low after all the tears. Just silent.

As I watched the drizzling rain of December against the window. I dream of New York, a place I long to go for a travel if I have the chance. I knew deep inside that I need to break out of this silence, somehow, one day. Have faith in God.