A heartbreak

Becoming single again after spending 15 years with my first and last boyfriend since twenties. He left me without a face to face conversation except I noticed that he began to drift apart more and more in the last few months. It was a dramatic breakup.

I still recall how the conversation went when he revealed the truth that he found someone else. I was in a state of shock. I rememembered I was getting myself off to a little excursion to the park, for a long day stroll when intuitively, I sensed something was not right. The usual dinner dates are off. He worked late nights more. And he began to remark my lack of makeup and frequently wearing the same kind of clothes.

I can sense the cold shoulders but decided to get on with my usual routine. Until the day when I am supposed to start my new job, a week before, I received the cruel word from him. I was appalled & shattered in tears. I was full of anger and bitterness. He left without an apology. He left with meeting me up for a last explanation. Who was she? 15 years made up almost a quarter of decade, we are so close to getting a house together. His sister called to threaten me to leave his rental place when I have been putting up in the last 9 months. She gave me 6 weeks to pack and relocate to another place.

Six weeks was a record short week for someone grieving over the loss, getting over the rude shock of being betrayed and then having to pick up the pieces and packed my things into boxes and calling for search of another rental place. I sank to a depression and was in bed for 3 days. All I can recall was that I have spiralled off to a depression and later even contemplated suicidal thoughts. I called to the new workplace to delay my start at work by a week, went to a doctor who by chance, she was a saviour. I spent 2 days at the clinic, crying my heart out.

I pushed myself out to get myself out of his place, and same time, devastated at the sudden change of attitude towards me from him and his sister. His sister threatened to throw out my things if I did not respond within the 6 weeks and I hear myself begging for time. Leaving at the mercy of someone you  know for 15 years? Strangers are better treating you more humanely that someone close like this.

So I did. That explained my lack of blogging for the few months. I sent off my things to the warehouse, donated my stuff to the Salvation army, and went searching for a place.

I was in depression for a couple of months and well the new job for a start is a bumpy ride. Demand was high and I feel life all snuffed out of me. Strangers were movers who helped me, agents that came to assist me for a house search, a doctor who was compassionate to spend some of her clinical time talking to me, we spent most time at dinners that she brought. Strangers were fellow church brothers and sisters that reached out for some prayers and support. Most time, I reached out as far as I could for God.

Jesus is with me. When I was so tired at the end of the day and asked for God that I will like to go to heaven, He whispered John 11:25 .

I won't want to die, I will want to live.

In the middle of a pause

Midweek is always the busiest when things get a start on Monday. Interruptions and distractions tend to cause delay even with some planning ahead. I often was watchful and reminded myself to take a pause from the chain of work tasks, personal assignments and to-dos for a step back to see if I can streamline my schedule better.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the deadlines and committments and wonder if the use of my time to deliver the decisions I made daily are indeed producing any fruits of labour. Is it leading me to the results I want? Already as it is, decision making can be difficult amidst all the complexities and often, it takes lots of PRAYER.

Today I took another pause again and placed aside all the work from my table and picked up Elisabeth Elliot's book - Keeping a quiet heart. In the article "Spiritual oppression" (its intriguing she titled the article as this but later I realised why so). She commented as a missionary, writer, speaker and author of several books that she often feel overwhelmed by work that need to be done and the utter inadequacy to cope. She chanced upon a letter written to her late father, who was an editor of Sunday Times school on the verge of a nervous breakdown and consoled by this old veteran counsel in the letter to him :" I feel that you must count it all joy that you are passing through this phase of difficulty, for they are sure signs that God is blessing you. "

How does Elisabeth Elliot interpret it to her circumstances? Here is an excerpt of what she wrote: "Wasnt it a wonder that this letter has been preserved so that I chanced upon it during the hour of my need? That it is so like the Lord, for it is through the tender austerity of our very troubles that the son of the man comes knocking. In every event, He seeks an entrance to my heart. Yes, even in my most helpless, futile, fruitless moments. The very cracks and empty crannies of my life, my perplexities and hurts and botched up jobs, He wants to fill with Himself, His joy, His life. The more unsatisfactory my performance, the more He calls me to share His yoke. "

I sense God entering into my heart the moment I read this. Yes indeed in trying to keep up with daily expectations, I feel overwhelmed by the burden and commitments. Sometimes fear will creep in and joy dissipated in the anxious effort to keep up the results I desire. Sometimes, even the thought of whether the decisions are in line of God's will can perplex us.

Ain't such an opposition that we faced spiritually most of the time ? I was alert that I ought to look up to Him rather than looking at my sacrifices and toil. I feel the need not to push myself beyond what I can take, my limits and my constraints. But to STOP and TAKE A PAUSE to honor the work that I am doing. I have measured myself too rigidly against the set of rules and expectations that I ought to be, which in paradox sent me crumbling by my own standards. The gripping of the flesh is so powerful that we cannot allow ourselves to let go of "I should". I began now to read more into the article title. I realise the spiritual opposition that I am facing. And often we collapsed under fatigue, disappointment and guilt that we are such utter failures in keeping up. And we were reminded not to moan or complained, the increasing guilt threw us further down the mudslide.

This is not God's intention for us. Letting go is the key. Letting go and leaning on God rathar than relying ourselves and surrendering ourselves everyday to Him , as we patiently trust Him and pray for His help to take us through the daily decisions and work and through the unknowns of the future. In such circumstances, I have to lay everything before Him faithfully and let Him lead me across.

In the middle of the pause, God brought on this revelation to me. Can we pause too, for a little more while as you, my dear readers read this. That in the light of everything, we pray that

"Help us Lord, to know you better and help us keep our focus on you."

Gratitude List

I suppose everyone come across this subject in any book or reading about it in one way or another.

Have you ever tried writing your gratitude list every day? And I mean in discipline, setting aside some minutes every day to write the list. Beside positive things, you can write about your emotions and feelings and frustration so that they’ll not be accumulated up and get all stuffed inside. Trust me, it helps. Write them down and you’ll feel lighter for the day. Here's mine for today:

Dear God, I am thankful that

1. I have a good walk to the train station today although I know that it will be a heavy work day and I feel stressful but I know that the day will end well.

2. I decided to have a short Sabbath evening tomorrow. I have a busy work schedule and classes three times at night and church and my exercise workout on Sunday. My flesh tells me I don’t think I can get through the week! But I am on my way to Wednesday now. This Gratitude list really helps.

3. I have a better sleep yesterday night, no more recurring dreams! Thanks, Lord!

4. I should be able to stay up tonight to finish on reading Book 2 from my class. And review the September exams paper. I have conquered 6 papers for now!

5. I am looking forward to meeting Aunty Nancy in the upcoming seminar on Saturday morning. She is such an inspiring figure, having done missionaries and led in high positions in the social service sector. The workshop is about Called to Do Good Work: A Vision for Vocational Holiness by Dr. Gordon T. Smith.

6. I have a significant responsibility at work to push the 13 APJ countries to keep their certifications in compliance for an upcoming CSAT review. It is quite a tedious project. But each day as I know I will deliver and have done my best, God will do the rest.

7. Today as I am crossing the road, hurrying towards lunch. I saw a simply adorable baby and smiled at him. He returned the most shy, smiley back and made my day!

These are just some of the points I have jotted down during the day and I intend to do that for the rest of 2012 as a Gratitude Project. Try it, you will be surprised of the quiet joy it brings.